Is Love Sweeter the Second Time Around? What You Need to Consider Before Getting Back with Your Ex
Mariah Carey once crooned in her hit song, “come back baby please ‘cause we belong together.” Imagine this track randomly playing on the radio while you’re driving and your mind suddenly jumps to the thought of your ex. No matter how much time has passed after a breakup, we’re all guilty of getting the temptation to text our ex, get in touch with them, and even consider getting back together.
Breakups are never easy, especially if you’ve been through a lot with the person. That’s why you may be thinking about getting back with your ex the moment you broke up. However, as much as that midnight drunk call from your former lover is alluring, there’s more to the process than just that.
Hold on a minute – don’t make any drastic move just yet. It is safe to say that our lives aren’t like any fantasy film where there’s always a happy ending for two hearts rekindling their romance. But fret not, wanting to get back with your ex is not out of the norm.
As per Skylight Counseling Center’s David Klow, we want new experiences and attachment and if you think about it, reconciling with your old flame is less tedious than finding another person and starting the whole dating process from scratch. but if you’ve decided to give it a second chance, here are some rules you must keep in mind:
We get it. Getting back together with a person you so loved and cared for may seem exciting but rushing the process will only be disadvantageous to the relationship in the long run.
So it is better to just wait before you change your Facebook status from “It’s Complicated” to “In a Relationship” again, While no one really knows the right speed to deal with this matter, the family therapist advised chilling for a second.
Why? Oakland University professor Terri Orbuch explained that this time can be used for figuring out what you really want. This is the moment you need to put all the cards on the table and ask the important questions. What are your expectations of your partner? Share these with the other person and have him/her do the same. Needless to say, honesty is paramount.
See It as A New Chapter
Remember that you’re dating the same person you knew before, but note that they may have changed over time. But let’s face it, you can never truly start something new with a former lover, so consider this a new chapter of your past relationship.
At this point, check whether you’re viewing this person as the old partner or the new version. Clinical psychologist Chloe Carmichael recommends evaluating your perception and making a timeline of the good and bad you’ve experienced in the past.
This time around, you should be open to the possibility that your ex may have been with other people while you weren’t together. For example, if you’ve dated another person, it’s better to tell your ex about it to avoid any conflicts later.
If things get messy (read: he/she gets upset), then find a way to address this. You also need to answer the big WHY: why do you want to get back with your ex? Is it something shallow or do you want to follow a more meaningful course? Weigh the pros and cons of your decision and evluate whether it’s worth giving it another shot.
In this phase, it’s also best to talk about previous arguments and missunderstandings which are likely to come up again for a second round. Dr. Chloe explained that now that you’re both calm, it is best to talk about issues in the past. If you notice your ex to be aloof and dismissive, it’s probably not a good start.
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